


the obligatorily shitty gc au

by threecheersfortheblackparade



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Like, More characters to be added, group chat au, i personally dont think so but just in case ya know, idek im just bored, idk - Freeform, idk when this would be but hey discworld canon is just Like That sometimes, ludo is the dad friend in desperate need of some klatchian coffee, possibly could be read as vetinari x downey, really out of character, so much, thats a lie, theres swearing, yes im aware this is shit yes im still gonna inflict it on you because idc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:00:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,250
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28598835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/threecheersfortheblackparade/pseuds/threecheersfortheblackparade
Summary: uhhh comments and kudos appreciated,,,, im probably gonna add downey willis and ludo next and maybe sam and sybil? (also idk if these are gonna be connected or just random gc oneshots,,, if they are this one takes place within the first few years of vetinari being patrician)
Relationships: Lady Margolotta & Havelock Vetinari
Comments: 3
Kudos: 5





	1. mlm wlw hostility

_**Vetinari** added **LadyMargolotta**_

* * *

**LadyMargolotta** havelock vhat iz zis

**Vetinari** you know.,,,you know you dont have to do the accent online right?

**Vetinari** hang on 

* * *

_**Vetinari** changed **LadyMargolotta** to **Margotthefriendlyvampire**_

* * *

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** BITCH

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** I COULD KILL YOU RN IF I WANTED TO

**Vetinari** well i mean,,,

**Vetinari** you’d have to travel all the way to ankh morpork to do it soooo

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** …

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** bitch

**Vetinari** i live to please

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** y does that sound weirdly kinky

**Vetinari** weve been over this

**Vetinari** not everything is an innuendo your just horny

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** fucker

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** just because theres no gays around here,,,,

**Vetinari** go to a bar then you useless lesbian

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** but straight people!!

**Vetinari** dont tell me youve been alive this long w/o knowing any gay bars in uberwald

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** ….

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** i hate you

**Vetinari** i hate me too

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** havelock no-

**Vetinari** havelock yes

* * *

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** now

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** havelock dear

**Vetinari** no i dont know any pretty and intelligent women who want a vampire gf who would talk to me

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** BITCH

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** THATS NOT EVEN WHAT I WAS ASKING???

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** wait no one??

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** not even all the monster fuckers??? Or that pretty lady your friends w??

**Vetinari** most of the monster fuckers are currently simping for bela von halen and sybil is married to sir samuel

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** huh

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** ANYWAY

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** my point was

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK WERE SLEEPING TOGETHER

**Vetinari** i cant stop them from thinking can i 

**Vetinari** free will and all that

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** urgh

**Vetinari** so much for mlm wlw solidarity

**Margotthefriendlyvampire** mlm wlw hostility

**Vetinari** YES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhh comments and kudos appreciated,,,, im probably gonna add downey willis and ludo next and maybe sam and sybil? (also idk if these are gonna be connected or just random gc oneshots,,, if they are this one takes place within the first few years of vetinari being patrician)


	2. in which one day ludo is going to sue not-yet-a-lord lord downey and the botherer of dogs for emotional damage

_**Ludo** added **Vetinari**_

* * *

**Downey** y you have 2 add dog botherer hes such a scag

* * *

_**Downey** changed **Vetinari** to **Dogbotherer**_

* * *

**Ludo** children behave

 **Willis** i read that as beehive and was v confused

 **Ludo** ah yes children please beehive

 **Ludo** ???

 **Downey** ARE WE JUST IGNORING THE FACT THAT LUDO ADDED DOG BOTHERER OF ALL PEOPLE???

 **Willis** you. you are literally the only one bothered about this

* * *

_**Downey** left_

* * *

_**Ludo** added **Downey**_

* * *

**Ludo** no

 **Ludo** stay

 **Downey** >:(

 **Downey** so much for being friends 

**Downey** bitches

 **Dogbotherer** whilst downeys busy throwing a hissy fit-

 **Downey** rude 

**Downey** and completely uncalled for

 **Dogbotherer** bitch you literally call me dog botherer

 **Downey** thats different!!!

 **Dogbotherer** ….

 **Dogbotherer** whatever you say downey

 **Downey** bITCH-

* * *

 **Downey** teachers be like ‘you need to walk straight to the rooms’

 **Downey** like girl i cant walk straight’ im gay

 **Willis** ,,,,,

 **Willis** did u just out yourself to make a joke

 **Willis** a DAD joke at that

 **Downey** yes

 **Willis** iconic 

* * *

**Ludo** dog botherer are you actually in this class

 **Dogbotherer** yes unfortunatly

 **Ludo** where i cant see u

 **Dogbotherer** that is kind of the point of stealth class is it not

 **Ludo** i can see why sir hates you

 **Dogbotherer** because neither of you can see me despite one you being a literal assassin whos job it is to teach us this

 **Ludo** because yiu said is it not irl

 **Dogbotherer** …..

 **Dogbotherer** thats fair

 **Ludo** wAIT NO

 **Ludo** YOUR NOT MEANT TO AGREE WHEN I SAY I HATE YOU

 **Ludo** NOW I FEEL BAD

 **Dogbotherer** ….

 **Ludo** correction

 **Ludo** NOW _WILLIS_ FEELS BAD

 **Dogbotherer** thought so

 **Dogbotherer** but also 

**Dogbotherer** were assasins??? 

**Dogbotherer** were not meant to feel emotion???

 **Ludo** willis he has got a point

 **Willis** but!!! feelings!!! good!!

 **Downey** feelings bad

 **Dogbotherer** the iss the only time im gonna have to agree w downey but yes

 **Dogbotherer** as you say so childishly

 **Dogbotherer** ‘feelings bad’

 **Downey** HA

 **Willis** oh gods your all emotionally repressed the lot of you

 **Willis** yall need therapy

 **Ludo** weve been training to be assassins since we were 11 

**Ludo** tbh id be suprised if we DIDNT need therapy

 **Downey** yeahhh ;-;

 **Willis** noo dont cry ur too sexy ahahaha

 **Ludo** hjkjhkhkjh

 **Downey** damn right i am

 **Dogbotherer** excuse me??

 **Downey** ludo whos prettier me or o botherer of dogs

 **Ludo** im straight

 **Downey** not what i asked

 **Ludo** uhhhh

 **Ludo** willis help

 **Willis** :)

 **Ludo** BITCH

 **Ludo** YOU REALISE NEITHER OF THEM ARE GOING TO STOP ARGUING ABOUT THIS

 **Ludo** AND IM NEXT TO THEM IN TOXICOLOGY???

 **Ludo** HELP

 **Willis** good luck :)

 **Willis** theyll never find the body :)

 **Ludo** oh gods

 **Ludo** here they come

 **Ludo** dog botherers claiming that since he looks like all the guys in the romance novels you read hes logically prettier

 **Ludo** downeys arguing that hes a scag

 **Willis** eloquent as aways

 **Dogbotherer** indeed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stARTED WRITING THIS HAD A BREAKDOWN BON APPETIT-  
> okayyy so this one is like assassins guild era idk  
> pls leave comments or kudos if you enjoyed (yes im aware this is shit no i will not stop inflicting it on everyone) :)


	3. *bisexual finger crossbows*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> continuing on from ch 2

**Willis** im bored 

**Willis** i wanna do something that would make my parents hate me more than they already do and that ill regret tomorrow

 **Willis** and before you ask no downey i wll not have sex w you

 **Downey** HEY

 **Downey** am i really that predictable??

 **Ludo** yes

 **Willis** yes

 **Dogbotherer** yes

 **Downey** shut it you scags

 **Downey** fine then wanna make out

 **Downey** its not gay if we only kiss

 **Willis** ah yes. logic /s

 **Willis** also im straight

 **Downey** bullshit

 **Willis** fine

 **Willis** i may not be straight but i DO have a gf

 **Ludo** no you have a girl youve chosen to pine over

 **Ludo** not the same thing

 **Willis** well,,,,

 **Ludo** no its not??

 **Ludo** this isnt 30 shades of black??

 **Willis** rude

 **Dogbotherer** you say that but downey does strike me as the kind of guy to kill someone and then get caught immediatly after

 **Downey** BITCH-

 **Downey** wait you read romance books??

 **Dogbotherer** uhhhh

 **Dogbotherer** maybe?

 **Ludo** news just in dog b otherer has a fondness for shitty romcom novels, downey shook

 **Ludo** more at 10

 **Downey** huh

 **Downey** i wasnt expecting that but uhhh

 **Downey** cool

 **Downey** you do you ig

 **Downey** *finger crossbows*

* * *

 **_Downey_ ** _left_

* * *

 **Ludo** did. did he just do finger crossbows

 **Ludo** hjhjkkh hes a fucking _loser_

 **Willis** how long till he demands to be added back

 **Ludo** im thinking 20 minuites

 **Ludo** cause that rlly was embarring

 **Willis** but consider

 **Willis** dog botherers here

 **Ludo** oh?

 **Willis** im betting 10min

 **Ludo** loser has to buy the vodka tomorrow

 **Ludo** deal?

 **Willis** deal

* * *

 **Willis** HELL YEAH 10 MINUITES EXACTLY

 **Willis** SUCK ON THAT LUDO

 **Ludo** I DIDNT WANT YOUR SHITTY VODKA ANYWAY

* * *

_**Willis** added **Downey**_

* * *

**Downey** no one say a thing

 **Dogbotherer** a thing

 **Downey** ….

 **Downey** blocked

 **Dogbotherer** rude

 **Downey** you deserved it

 **Dogbotherer** doesnt make it less rude

 **Ludo** hush children

 **Downey** bitch

 **Ludo** *crying* the kids are all grown up,,,

 **Willis** ludo what the fuck

 **Dogbotherer** is it weird that ludo being the dad freind makes me wanna cry

 **Dogbotherer** like in a good way

 **Downey** yes but honestly mood

 **Downey** that moment when ur freinds r better dad than ur own

 **Ludo** ‘friends’ are u betraying me???

 **Willis** *us

 **Ludo** no im teh dad frend here

 **Dogbotherer** hes got a point

 **Ludo** ty my child

 **Willis** what has this become

* * *

_**Downey** changed **Ludo** to **Parenalfigure**_

* * *

**Dogbotherer** ‘parenal figure’ okay downey

 **Downey** scag

 **Parenalfigure** children shush

 **Downey** shut it parenal figure 

**Willis** children dont speak to ur father like that

 **Dogbotherer** fuck u ur not my real parents

 **Parenalfigure** stop it your mothers crying

 **Willis** wait am i the mother

 **Dogbotherer** huh

 **Downey** i mean,,,,

 **Willis** im gonna be the fun uncle

 **Downey** ill be the gay disappointment of an uncle

 **Dogbotherer** ill fight u for the title

 **Parenalfigure** oh fuck not again

 **Parenalfigure** im having flashbacks 2 the war]

 **Willis** fIGHT HKGKJ GIFHT FIGEOF

 **Downey** genuine question did u have a stroke writing that 

**Downey** cause what the fuck willis

 **Willis** FGgfuUGH

 **Dogbotherer** and now for the weather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im p sure this is shit but its been in my drafts since jan so,,,,


End file.
